Snow White
Once upon a time, a beautiful young queen in the golden land of Physicsassa had a baby. Unfortunately, she died giving birth to the sweet child. The grief-stricken king took on e look at the child and nearly wept, as he could tell his daughter would be the spitting image of her mother.
"I shall name her Snow White," he proclaimed to his courtiers. "For as you can all see, her skin reflects all the colors of the spectrum, so it is a lovely white. As for her shiny black hair, it absorbs all the colors of the spectrum, so it looks black. I only wish her mother would be here to watch her daughter grow older."
512 million seconds went by and Snow White grew into a smart, sassy teenager with shiny black hair, full red lips, and twinkling blue eyes. Unfortunately, the king was still distraught with grief over his wife's death, and so began to love numbers far more than his own daughter. However, Snow White's life drastically changed WHENŠ
The King remarried.
Apparently, over the summer, the King had met a lovely, clever maiden near the Tower of Pisa. She was the most renowned scientist/beautician/psychologist in the kingdom of Physicsassa. Everyone praised her ingenious little projects and marveled at her cleverness. As all stepparents know, however, the most stressful part of remarrying someone is their children. And Snow White was no exception. So, when the King introduced his new wife to his daughter, as you can imagine, Snow White was NOT pleased.
"Snow White, sweetheart, meet your new mother, Queen Galilea Freud!" the King announced to his pretty daughter. "She is the cleverest and most beautiful woman in the kingdom of Physicsassa. I am proud to call her my wife!'
"She doesn't look so clever to me. Or beautiful for that matter." Snow White peered at Queen Galilea out of her pert blue eyes and laughed. "Her eyes are this ugly, purplish color!"
"It's VIOLET! Haven't you ever seen a rainbow? Or a spectrum?" Queen Galilea snapped. Already she could tell that Snow White would drive her around the bend.
And she was right.
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Queen Galilea continued her clever projects, but Snow White ALWAYS outshone her. For instance, she demonstrated her new invention of a mysterious force called MAGNETISM, which incidentally is one of the four forces of the universe.
"As you can see, everyone, by taking this special stone, you can lift iron filings with it!" Queen Galilea exclaimed. "Isn't this marvelous?"
Nobody knew what she meant, but it sounded good. However, Snow White, who was watching, turned up her nose.
"Oh, my gosh! Are PEOPLE still fascinated by this totally old-school stuff?" she scoffed. "Puh-lease! Magnetism has been known about since ancient times. In fact, the Greeks get credit for discovering it, as usual. Duh. I thought everyone knew that!"
The scholars swiftly rushed down to the libraries at 4.5 meters per second to confirm Snow White's statement. They were soon back, bobbing their heads in approval. Snow White was right, as usual! While the princess was congratulated, Queen Galilea ground her teeth and stamped her foot. She hated being wrong. Most of all, though, she hated it when someone proved her ideas wrong, as Snow White had done. However, in every experiment she conducted, it was all the same. Snow White always knew how to show a better way to do the experiment. She always demonstrated with the excuse that she shouldn't just trust her stepmother! After all, where would Einstein be if he had just accepted Newton's Three Laws of Motion as true, and hadn't disproved them? According to Snow White, that was what science was all about! However, Queen Galilea refused to listen. One night, after a particularly frustrating experience with Snow White, Queen Galilea appealed to the King.
"Dear, may I ask for your intervention with a very serious situation?" the Queen inquired, purring.
"Why, yes, of course, darling. What's the problem?" the King yawned. With that, Queen Galilea stamped her foot and scowled.
"Your accursed daughter! SHE'S my problem! She thinks she's prettier than me, smarter than me, better than me. ARGH!!! Can't you do something about the annoying silly little child!" The Queen said a lot more things too, which are cut from this retelling in order to save her reputation.
"Darling, she's a teenager. This is just another stage in life, and she'll grow out of it soon!" the King replied. "Just be patient. The most anyone can do is love her and that's what you're doing, right? Showing love to your own daughter."
"She's NOT my own daughter," muttered Queen Galilea darkly. "And thank goodness for that!"
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Queen Galilea swiftly walked to the secret room in the castle. She checked her watch.
"Hmmm. It took me approximately 420 seconds to reach my private chambers, so if 420 is divided by my speed, which was about 1.4 meters per second, then I must have walked aboutŠaboutŠoh, cursed Babylonian time units!" Queen Galilea raged. "Why didn't someone change the units to something sensible? Like units of ten? Nice easy tens! After all, that's what happened with everything else!" Still muttering irritably, she gestured towards the door.
"Second Class Lever, Open Thee!" cried the Queen. "For Thy Effort is at Thy Doorknob and Thy Resistance is at Thy End!"
Slowly, the door swung open, creaking as it did so. Inside the wondrous room lay a telescope, a pendulum, a board inscribed with the Three Laws of Motion, several makeup pieces scattered everywhere, and a blow-dryer. However, on the wall hung an ornate mirror with a faded silvery surface. Queen Galilea proudly strode up to the mirror and asked:
"Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who's the smartest and most beautiful of them all?"
"Dear Queen Galilea, you're somewhat smart, it's true,
But I'm afraid Snow White is FAR smarter than you.
With her pretty face and her clever brain
She's got stuff you could never attain!
You're old and you're weak and your brain soon will rot,
After all, she's a catch, while you can't be got!" replied the mirror cheekily. Queen Galilea scowled and tossed her long golden hair. This was not the answer she wanted to hear, however true it might be.
"Mirror, if you're that impudent again, I'm afraid I'll have to conduct a NEW experiment," she warned. "I'll drop you and my dear stepdaughter over the balcony. I don't know if she will fall first because she's heavier, but I don't particularly care."
"Go on, try, I'm not afraid!
If the King hadn't seen you, you'd be an old maid!
No man would have you, not one at all,
And I can't say I blame them, though I'm on a wall.
When the Lord gave out brains, yours was a dud.
Poor Queen Galilea, I'm afraid your name is mud." The mirror chortled at the Queen as her face clouded with fury. Soon however, the mirror ceased laughing while the Queen held it over the balcony.
"NO! Please don't hurt me, I promise to be good,
I'll pay you the attention nobody would,
Don't kill me. I'm too young to die,
Please don't hurt me, please hear my cry!" the mirror wailed. Queen Galilea grinned wickedly with her spotless white teeth that somehow seemed more like fangs.
"I won't break you if you shut up so I can figure out how to stop Snow White's rampage on science and beauty. Got it?!" she commanded.
"Anything, anything,
That's what I'll give,
Only just don't kill me!
Please let me liveŠ" the mirror trailed off as it saw the look on the Queen's face and quickly amended his couplets.
"Right, milady, I'll go ahead and shut up,
Your plan will be great, I just know it!
Snow White's as good as gone,
Oh! Do you want to show it?" the mirror suggested. The Queen glared at the mirror out of her glinting black eyes and for once in its life, the mirror shut up. As an evil plan formed in her computer-like mind, a slow simpering smile formed on her face. NOW Snow White would NEVER bother her again!
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Snow White sat in her room, enjoying the sonic boom volume of the music of her favorite band, The Einsteinettes. Suddenly she heard her stepmother call her.
"Turn down that horrible rap music now! Didn't I tell you to stop listening to The Einsteinettes and their disgusting lyrics?" Queen Galilea raged from downstairs. Snow White rolled her eyes. Stupid old bat, she thought bitterly. She needs to be boiled in 100 hundred degree Celsius water, since we're still at sea level.
"Snow White, come here NOW!!! Turn off that stupid music NOW!!! And get in here this very sixty seconds!"
Snow White shoved her stereo onto the ground and stomped towards her stepmother's room in a fury.
"You know what?" she yelled. "This is the absolute last straw! You're so old and weak. Nobody trusts Newton ANYMORE! Einstein's theories totally leave Newton behind. You're a stupid old bat! I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! I-"
However, Snow White didn't get to finish that sentence. The Queen grabbed her stepdaughter and held her over the balcony, along with a dolly.
"You have no idea how long I've wanted to do this, Snow White, my dear. Which will fall first, the doll or the girl? You're right, you know. Never trust the textbooks, trust your data. And I'm going to see who will fall first. Who do you think, Snow White?" The Queen reveled in her moment of triumph.
"We'll fall at the same time," trembled Snow White, clearly terrified.
"Ah, but why should I trust you, my dear? Let's find out right now!" cried Queen Galilea triumphantly as she thrust Snow White over the edge. Snow White screamed as she plummeted down toward the forest below. However, beneath her were walking six strange things.
"Well, lookee yonder! 'Tis a maid comin' down from the sky?" cried one. "Accelerating towards the ground at approximately 9.8 meters per second, I shouldn't wonder!"
"Aye, looks like it's true. She's very pretty. No doubt she'll fall for my handsome good looks!" remarked one who preened the spirally pattern down himself.
"Aye, very true!" yet another replied. Then he frowned. "Wait. I'm confuzzled."
"That's not a word, that's not a word!" cried two creatures somehow mixed up in one.
"Aye, true, and I love company!" a longer creature smiled.
"Garr, I despise girls silly enough to get thrown from a balcony," grumbled another strange creature.
Snow White was beginning to realize that it would be best to say her prayers before she died, but before she could start, she landed with a thump on top of the slow moving creature.
"Ouch!" she yelped. She glanced at whoŠor what she had landed on with a puzzled look. "OkayŠumŠwhoŠor what are you?"
The strange creature with the friendly face and all the rope on him stepped up to her.
"We are the six simple machines! I am Pulley, a more advanced form of my simple friend Lever over there. Well actually, all of us are simple. Both of us have Le and Lr, but mine are placed quite differently. In fact, did you know that Lever is of the first class variety? His fulcrum is in the middle, and the effort and the resistance are placed at either side. Are you quite sure you haven't heard of us?" chattered the Pulley.
Snow White bit her lip as she tried to decide how best to talk her way out of this mess. However, the talkative, friendly Pulley creature didn't wait for an answer.
"Oh, never mind, my dear, never mind. After all, not every creature can know of us. Anyhow, allow me to introduce the rest of us. That one with the spirally pattern over there is Screw." Pulley announced. Then he dropped his voice to a whisper. "Of course, pay no mind to him, since he's quite a bit conceited. He thinks you're going to fall in love with him!"
"Hello, sweetheart. Where've you been all my life?" Screw drawled.
"And that one next to Screw is Inclined Plane, who is related to Screw you know. Practically brothers, those two!" Pulley added.
"Hi, IŠumŠthink," Inclined Plane put in.
"Then we have Wedge, yet another relative of Inclined Plane. Again, pay no attention to him. He's a rather grumpy simpleton," continued Pulley. In kind to Pulley's words, Wedge simply grunted in greeting. Pulley coughed politely. "Anyway. I already introduced Lever, and last but not least, we have Wheel & Axle. They're actually two wheels of different sizes that rotate together. Say hello to our visitor!"
"Ha ha, she's funny-looking!" cried the larger wheel. The smaller wheel agreed.
"Uh, let's just take you to our house," Pulley put in. So the Six Simple Machines led Snow White to their little cottage. In they went, where they shared a meager supper after which Snow White retired to bed. While Snow White slept, however, the six brothers sat around a fire generated by a Bunsen Burner as Pulley lifted a heavy pitcher of soup with evaporated water droplets floating above it.
"So, friends, how long should dear princess Snow White stay?" inquired vain Screw.
"Not long!" Wheel & Axle chorused. "She can't save work like the rest of us!"
"Yeah," agreed Wedge. "She doesn't have a mechanical advantage, either. We don't need her. Or want her! The nosy little girl."
"You're right, Wedge, as usual," replied Inclined Plane.
"Now, now, everybody, she's a dear girl, even if she hasn't heard of us," Pulley put in. "I think we should give her a chance!"
"Calm down, Pulley's right. In any case, we should take a vote," remarked Lever. "All those for her staying, say aye." Wheel & Axle, Wedge, and Inclined Plane chorused in unison.
"Well, that means that we're all even. HmmmŠif she stays, while we save work, she'll cook for us. That's the one thing none of us can do!" Lever cried brightly.
"I change my vote."
"Me, too."
Only Wedge remained stubborn. He scowled at his cousins, Screw and Inclined Plane.
"Well, that's settled then. We'll tell her about her duties tomorrow," said Lever. Snow White ended up staying with the Six Simple Machines for many months, learning all about their special talents. All was peaceful, until the Queen became suspicious.
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Queen Galilea stood in front of the mirror. I can't believe I'm doing this again, she thought. Snow White's dead. I threw her off the balcony myself!
"Mirror, mirror, on the head, tell me truly, is Snow White dead?" she asked.
"Er, um, Queen, I hate to say this, I really honestly do.
But Snow White's alive and well, and this is completely true!" the mirror hedged as the Queen screeched in anger. Queen Galilea demanded to see Snow White, and the mirror proceeded to show an image of Snow White measuring Inclined Plane's mechanical advantage- which by the way, if found by the length divided by the width. Then the Queen quickly devised a plan to kill Snow White for good. She took an apple, and placed within it a secret poison. Next, she disguised herself as an old woman. Finally, she began the walk to Snow White's cottage.
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Snow White cheerfully mixed up the soup in the dome-shaped bowl. Life was good. Everyone loved her now. Even Wedge did more than just grunt at her when he woke up. Suddenly, she heard a knock on the door. She quickly rushed to pull open the second-class lever.
"Hello?" Snow White peered through a crack in the door.
"Good morning, my dear, do you wish to buy some apples to help a poor old woman?" an elderly maid inquired. Snow White felt so sorry for the woman that she quickly nodded and snatched some money out of her pocket. The woman rummaged about in her basket and held out an apple to Snow White, who grabbed it and took an enormous bite.
"AaahŠ" Snow White screamed as she slipped on the slick friction-less floor and went flying. She landed and lay motionless. The old woman then smiled in satisfaction and tugged off her hood.
"Finally, I am rid of you, dear stepdaughter. Goodbye for the last time," Queen Galilea remarked, as she marched off happily at about 1.7 meters per second, laughing loudly as she did so. A few minutes later, the Six Simple Machines gathered around the prone form of Snow White, as they had heard her two seconds after she had screamed. After all, the Machines were 580 meters away, and sound travels 390 meters per second.
"What are we to do?" cried Pulley. "Having a mechanical advantage of two does no good now!"
"The least we can do is give her a decent burial," remarked Lever. "Wedge and Screw will make the coffin."
And so the Six Simple Machines worked harder than ever before. Everyone contributed to making the coffin and moving it to a special stone. However, as they said their prayers over the dead body of their friend, a hideous prince showed up, exclaiming at how beautiful the dead maiden is.
"We know," replied Pulley sadly. "But she's dead."
"Well then use yourself to lift the glass case off the coffin, so I can say goodbye to the beautiful maiden I never met," the Prince put in. Pulley attached the end of his rope to the glass case as the rope ran along the groove, and the glass case lifted. The Prince bent down and kissed Snow White gently on the lips. Snow White awoke, and understandably was surprised at the ugliness of her savior.
However, Snow White was no longer the spoiled girl she had been, and most happily married the Prince. They devoted their life to making the Six Simple Machines famous throughout the kingdom, so that everyone could save work. Centuries went by and soon simple machines were combined to make complex machines such as bicycles. In fact, the ideas behind simple machines were taught in public school systems so that their principles could be used to better understand Physics. Special soothsayers known as "science teachers" passed on these principles by word of mouth. And everyone lived happily ever after. Except the soothsayers, since even though they had special information, their salaries as "teachers" were quite pitiful
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