Goldilocks and the Three Measures of Temperature
Once upon a time, there was a little girl on her way through the forest to look for fox grapes. As she jumped down the path, her gold photon-reflecting hair bounced up and down. After picking a basketful of grapes, she sat down, back against a tree, and took a 3.14 hour nap.
Upon waking, she found that she was very hungry. Instead of being smart and eating the grapes, she decided to go look for food. As she was dragging herself down the road, she smelled the most wonderful matzo ball soup. The smell was so overpowering that she followed the smell to a small rundown shack. She whipped out her Bunsen burner and burned a perfect hole right through the door. Inside the shack, set out on a table, were three water-vaporing bowls of matzo ball soup. She was so hungry that she gulped all three bowls down and, feeling sick to her stomach, fell asleep again.
Now, this shack belonged to three measures of temperature. They were Master Fahrenheit, Mr. Celsius, and Old Man Kelvin. These three brothers were the type of people who were always complaining. Kelvin complained that Celsius never measured movement, Celsius complained that Fahrenheit used complex numbers, and Fahrenheit complained that the other two didn't use complex numbers! These gentlemen were returning from a walk and were very hungry. As we all know, when people are hungry, they can get very ticked off! So, when they saw that Goldilocks had eaten their matzo ball soup, they got even angrier.
“What a chazer!” proclaimed Kelvin.
“What a meshugener!” yelled a mercury-spewing Fahrenheit. The three temperatures then shook the sleeping Goldilocks awake.
“What the…!” Goldilocks exclaimed. She stood up, dashed out of the shack and up the lane, as the temps swung third-class levers in her direction.
“We'll be waiting,” said a quiet Celsius after she was out of sight.
The next day, Goldilocks was skipping through the woods, looking for more fox grapes. She once again found some grapes and before heading home, leaned against a tree and took a nap.
When Goldilocks awoke, she smelled a fresh rack of ribs, just out of the oven. Her stomach was growling again, so she took off at a trot to find the rack-o-ribs. As Goldilocks rounded a bend in the road, she saw the same little shack as the day before.
Now, our intellectual audience realizes that there are little danger signs popping up left and right. But, as the author has stated before, Goldilocks wasn't the brightest of girls. She bounded down the road, kicked open the door and headed straight for the ribs. If she had looked around before she went in, she would have seen the batteries, the car jumper cables, and the broken resistors. Just as she touched the table, Fahrenheit, Celsius, and Kelvin jumped out of their hiding spots and, using the batteries and cables, tazed poor little Goldilocks. And because the resistors had been broken, the charge was so strong that she was knocked out cold! The three temperatures scooped up the stunned Goldilocks and dropped her into a pot of water.
“Now,” said Kelvin, “we will turn the stove to 100K and boil up this little goniff.”
“No!” replied a startled Celsius. “We will turn the stove to 100 degrees C.”
“No!” We'll turn it to Kelvin. Celsius changes with altitude. Kelvin only measures movement,” Kelvin replied harshly.
“But it's more fun to try and find the difference than to just measure how much movement there is,” Celsius shot back.
And as the two argued, no one saw the sneaky Fahrenheit creep over to the stove, and since their little shack was at sea level, he turned it to 212 degrees F.
Now, what is the lesson that can be learned from this tale? Not to mess with temperature! The late Goldilocks might have gotten away from the three bears, but she wasn't quick enough to escape the temps. Old men with canes might appear harmless, but never, under any circumstances, doubt their capabilities! If you don't believe me, which you shouldn't, go test it for yourself.
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