Little Everything-But-Red
Riding Hood
Once upon a time, there was a little girl by the name of Red. This girl lived in a cottage with her very demanding mother. So, one day, her mother didn't ask, but demanded Red to deliver some treats to her crazy grandmother. "Come here, problem child," called her mother. "You have to take these sweets to your grandmother at the retirement home. The nurses have reported to me that she has been getting quite obnoxious and out of control. These treats will keep her occupied for at least an hour."
"But how, Mother? Grandmother lives 20 miles away!" exclaimed Red.
"Hey, don't you talk back to me, young lady. I have the perfect solution for you to get there. You will get there by walking," said her mother.
"Walk? That will take forever!" cried Red.
"Well, I suggest that you get moving. Since it's 8:00 am right now, you are going to be traveling about 320,000 meters, and you walk at a rate of 1.7 meters per second, it should take you about 52 hours to get there. That means that you should be there around noon two days from now. You will get there if you continuously walk the whole time, and you don't screw around," said her mother.
"How did you figure that out?" questioned Red.
""Well, Red, I figured this out by using the formula of time= speed/distance. I started by converting 20 miles into 320,000 meters. Then I observed how fast you walked and used this same formula to figure out that you walk at a rate of 1.7 meters per second. I wanted to figure out how long it would take you to so I could warn- I mean tell your grandmother that you were coming. So, I divided 320,000 meters by 1.7 meters per second. To figure out how many hours it would take you, I divided the total I got by 60 to get minutes, and then divided by 60 again to get hours. I'm so glad I went to science class that day," explained her mother. Dumbfounded, Red stared at her mother blankly trying to recap what her mother had just said. "Well, you better get moving so these treats don't drop below 13 degrees Celsius."
"Okay then. But, what is 13 degrees Celsius? I have only learned about degrees Fahrenheit," cried Red.
"Well, since you rely on those stupid American units, I will take this moment to explain with a very long lecture. You multiply the temperature in degrees Celsius by 1.8 then add 32," sighed her mother. "So now that you know the secrets to converting degrees Celsius to degrees Fahrenheit, you have to leave now to Grandmother's retirement home or else I will force you to rub my feet." So, being the good girl that she was, Red skipped off towards the forest. "RED!" yelled her mother. "Stay on the path or else you will be killed by dark and mysterious creatures." So scared and confused, Red ran to the path and started to walk to Grandmother's house.
After an hour had passed, Red felt tired. So, she reached into her backpack and took out a bottle of water. "Mmmmmm. That sure is quality H2O," said Red as she rested on a tree trunk. But, then she had a mysterious feeling like someone was watching her. She slowly turned around to find a wolf staring straight back at her.
"Hello there, little girl," said the wolf.
"Please don't hurt me! I didn't do anything to harm you!" cried Red as she stared frightened into the wolf's eyes which were slightly hidden beneath his big glasses.
"Oh, don't worry; I won't hurt you, as long as youŠ.. give me the information for using the formula Y=MX+B!!!!" yelled the wolf.
"What? Why would you want to know that? But, anyway, I will do it if I can remember," said Red quietly. She thought back to that one day in science class when Mr. Brugge was giving her a lecture about the subject. "MmmmmmŠ. It's a little fuzzy, but, I'm sure that I can remember," thought Red.
"So, do you know, or do you want me to tear you up so you look like a pumpkin that has dropped off a rooftop 20 meters off the ground falling at a rate of 14.7 meters per second squared?" questioned the wolf.
"Okay," replied Reed, looking at the tattoo on her arm. "I can remember now. First, you pick two points off your line plot." Red looked up to see the wolf taking careful notes. Relieved, she continued. "Then you put into two problems. After that, you-" but the wolf had cut her off.
"UmmmŠ I've changed your mind. This stuff is too complicated for me," whined the wolf. "In exchange for your life, how about you spare a cookie for me?"
Red hesitated but then replied, "No. These are for my grandmother, and besides, I'm still on the path. My mother said that as long as I stay on the path, I will be fine," said Red as she pointed to the ground proving that she was right.
"I'm sorry to disappoint you, but, your mommy was wrong!" yelled the wolf as he lunged towards Red only to miss her as she ducked, sending him into a tree at a speed of 10.3 meters per second. Noticing that this was her chance to run, Red took off with an acceleration of 2.8 meters per second squared. She ran as fast as she could until she saw a well on the path. She peeked down the well and noticed the bucket and rope at her side.
"HmmmmmŠ. I wonder what the mechanical advantage is of this pulley," pondered Red. Like any good scientist, Red conducted numerous experiments to test the pulley then finally came up with the mechanical advantage. "Ah ha!" Red exclaimed. "After doing some tests and dividing some number by L sub E over L sub R, I figured out that the mechanical advantage of this well is 7!"
But, little did Red know that the very sneaky wolf was watching her once again. So, being the clever wolf that he is, he threw a stone at an average speed of 5.6 meters per second into a bed of flowers. Red looked up and wondered off the path to see what had been thrown. Seeing the brightly colored flowers, Red slowly threw her riding hood on the path and started to observe them. "Oh, look at these flowers! They are so beautiful! But, being the smart girl that I am, I know that this yellow flower is not yellow, but, is indeed anything but yellow. The flower is reflecting yellow photons, and it absorbs all of the other colors."
While Red was busy observing the flowers, the wolf took this chance and went ahead to Grandmother's retirement home. Since Grandmother had become very old and frail, her optic nerve had become very weak. But, the wolf had an idea. Before he left for Grandmother's home, he had taken Red's anything-but-red riding hood. The wolf knocked on Grandmother's door and said in his highest pitched voice, "Grandmother, it is I, little Red. I have brought some delicious treats for you. May I please come in?"
"Oh yes, Red. Your mother warned me that you were coming. What are you waiting for? Get your bum in here and give me those treats!" yelled Grandmother. "I see that you are wearing your red riding hood that I made you."
"But, of course, Grandmother. I wouldn't go anywhere without it. I love the color red," said the wolf.
"Wait, you're not Red!" exclaimed Grandmother. "I don't know many things, but, I know for a fact that Red would never agree with me when I called something red. 'It's not red, Grandmother,' she would tell me. 'It's just reflecting red photons.' Who the heck are you? NURSE!!!" cried Grandmother. But, it was too late because the wolf had already gobbled up Grandmother like a kid with an ice cream cone on a hot July afternoon. By the time the nurse had gotten to Grandmother's room, the wolf had already slipped on Grandmother's clothes and was lying in her bed.
"What do you want now?" asked the nurse sounding annoyed. "A sandwich, your meds, a car?"
"Oh, never mind. I'm fine. I'm just anticipating the arrival of my granddaughter, Red," said the wolf in his best old lady voice.
Not noticing that her anything-but-red riding hood was missing, Red made her way up to Grandmother's room. "Why, hello Grandmother," said Red looking at her watch. It said 12 o'clock, noon. Right on time. "I have brought some treats for you." Looking at the wolf in disguise, her eyes widened as she said, "My, what big ears you have."
"All the better to hear a pin drop with," said the wolf.
"My, what big eyes you have."
"The better to see you from four feet away."
"My, what big teeth you have."
"Oh, my teeth? The better to eat you with!" shouted the wolf. The wolf jumped out of the bed and chased Red out of the room. Running down the hall at a speed of 14.2 meters per second, Red ran into the kitchen in search of something sharp. But, remembering that she was at a retirement home, she realized that she wouldn't be able to find anything that would help her.
So, she took the back door out of the kitchen outside. But, little did she know that the greatest hunter ever to live by the name of Sir Kills Alot was crouching in a bush watching the wolf with great care. "Closer, just come a little closer," he whispered. Seeing Red run out of the way, Sir Kills Alot pulled the trigger of his musket which released a bullet that settled into the wolf's empty head.
The retirement home notified Red's mother that she had been stalked by a wolf and that her mother had been eaten by him. So as soon as she got out of her cab, she marched over to Red and yelled, "I can't believe you! You're the reason my mother got eaten! Now as your punishment you are going to have to rub my feet for the rest of your life! HA HA HA HA!!!" she yelled. But, she turned around to find Sir Kills Alot cutting open the wolf and helping Grandmother out of the bloody carcass. "Oh, you are my hero! You saved my obnoxious daughter from that dreaded wolf, and you rescued my mother from inside the wolf's stomach," said Red's mother. So, Red's mother married Sir Kills Alot. Red learned masses of information about science. She took up the career as a science teacher and lived happily ever after. But, of course this happily ever after doesn't involve a castle because she couldn't afford one on a teacher's pitiful salary.
The End
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